i’m back!

wow. i’m back. i’ve been hypomanic. i guess i still am but i’ve decided i can’t keep this thing waiting any longer.

ive lost 22 pounds from depression (i just went through a breakup, moving out, getting a new car due to being in a wreck – not my fault – among other things).

everyone is saying they’re worried about me and i need to gain weight. but i feel pretty. ugh what is wrong with me?

i weigh 125 and i’m 5′7″

according to the bmi scale that is normal.

and i’m in a new relationship. it’s actually really awesome, and i should know awesome from crap by now.

i’m taking my meds, eating, doing yoga again (finally) and trying to take care of myself. i will not let this illness get the better of me.

people only love me when i’m hypomanic

but it’s hard for them to love me when i’m depressed.

when i’m hypomanic, i’m:

• an incredible extrovert
• witty
• funny
• creative
• passionate
• driven
• confident
• sensual
• good in bed
• scratch that – great in bed

but when i’m depressed, all of the above is either terribly muffled, or else completely gone.

my relationships always start when i’m hypomanic. i love everyone, i inspire people, i blow them away with my personality and sexuality. when i’m hypomanic, i’m the ideal woman, the kind you want to marry. hence the reason i’ve been married once and engaged 4 times.

when i’m depressed, i don’t want to have sex, i lose my motivation, i lose most of my confidence. i become the opposite of who i was.

Reverse seasonal affective disorder

I think I have reverse seasonal affective disorder, if it exists. Fall and winter are when I’m my happiest (and often most manic). Especially during the holidays, I actually love the holidays.

I guess I’m the only bipolar person who does.

Spring and summer are when I’m miserable. I’m really feeling good starting in September (because I know fall is coming) all the way through the new year, but I usually crash with depression on January 1st. I guess it’s because the whirlwind party of Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s is over?

But my depression doesn’t last too long, because my birthday is March 7th, so I have something else to look forward to in March. Maybe I’m also the only bipolar person who likes her birthday?

But the sun and warmth of spring and summer keeps me at a pretty stable level of melancholy.

This morning I woke up and it was thundering and raining. It’s been sunny for a while, but when I saw what it looked like outside (and I especially love when it’s storming) I felt, for the first time in weeks, like actually getting out of bed. But the sun same out pretty soon after, and I got really depressed again.

So I guess I have some kind of reverse seasonal affective disorder or something? I’ve asked doctors and shrinks and no one seems to know what I’m talking about. Apparently it’s really atypical.

And then it makes me wonder – why is my blog called Cloudbusting?

But you know, it’s when you actually bust the clouds that it starts raining (and that’s what the Kate Bush song says) and the rain and storms really make me feel better.

how many bipolar people does it take to update a blog?

answer: 1, if she’s manic.

0, if she’s depressed

exercise + pizza

I really need to keep up with this blog. I’ve been so effing busy lately.

I’ve started jogging and it’s really been helping my depression… It’s amazing how cheap (free) exercise can be, as an anti-depressant.

By the way, I need to get a photo of the billboard for Mellow Mushroom Pizza I recently saw here in ATL: “Anti-Depressants Without a Prescription.”

Yeah, they’re saying their pizza is an anti-depressant. That is a lame idea for an ad.

just moved today

i’m experiencing a mixed state: some depression because i’m losing my boyfriend, and missing being without my kitties temporarily, but excited too because i’m moving on with my life, and this is starting a positive new chapter where i can possibly have a happier life!

freaking out

I have nowhere to live. I have to move. No prospects. I’m trapped. There’s nothing like a major stressful life change to throw you into one of the worst mixed states you’ve ever experienced.

I just have to keep reminding myself that people who commit suicide are not brave, they are cowards. They are brave in a way, to be willing to make that commitment and take that risk, knowing they could become a vegetable, lose their face, or succeed and not really have wanted to. But they’re determined and gutsy. I’ll give them that. It’s a quality to be admired. But I guess they’re cowards too, somehow, although right now I cannot for the life of me figure out why.

Next to Normal

Sorry this is so short, I’m not feeling up to posting a long entry. Jayson and I broke up

More bipolar in the media: Next to Normal

“Next to Normal is a musical with book and lyrics by Brian Yorkey and music by Tom Kitt. Its story concerns a mother who struggles with worsening bipolar disorder and the effect that her illness has on her family. The play also addresses such issues as grieving a loss, suicide, drug abuse, ethics in modern psychiatry, and suburban life.”

I wish I could go see it. It sounds like it may be a lot like my book, but I’m not sure. If anyone has seen it please comment, I’d love to find out more about it…

It won the 2009 Tony Award for ‘Best Original Score.’

Carrie Fisher has Bipolar

Carrie Fisher has bipolar

Apparently she’s been vocal about this for some time. Like 8 years. I’d say I can’t imagine how I missed it, but then again, I’ve only recently really started noticing bipolar in the media, since I’ve been writing my book. Plus my mom is really big on pointing bipolar out to me all the time now, which is nice. She’s a therapist, so she does that anyway, plus she’s my mom, so it’s her job to clip newspaper articles for me.

I’ve been noticing more and more bipolar stuff all over the media lately.

It’s really good, maybe people won’t be so creeped out when I tell them I have it.

I’m still not comfortable enough to tell my coworkers and clients yet though. People still think you’re crazy if you tell them you have bipolar. They act like you won’t do your job well if you have it, or you’re completely unreliable, and you’re just going to take off in a car and drive across the country as soon as you get manic. Or you’re going to kill yourself in the middle of a big project. That really sucks.

I even sometimes think if I get my book published, would I be able to tell my coworkers if they haven’t seen it in some bookstore? Would I get fired?

I mean, I’m medicated, but people just don’t get it.

But thank you, Carrie Fisher, for being another person who’s come out of the bipolar closet! I for one, really appreciate it.

Screw this!

I refuse to let that agent rejection get me down.

I’m turning it into a positive – almost all the agents who said no (mostly to my query letter) also said they encourage me to seek representation elsewhere.

I’ve just emailed all the agents who rejected me, including her, and asked them if they can recommend any other agents.

Maybe something good will come of it. Maybe I’ll get another lead. If nothing else, I’ve got all my pride and strength back.

Any agency would be damned lucky to have me. Someone will figure that out.